So many people I know are looking for jobs right now. This translates into: so many people I know are frustrated as hell right now. And these are people with master’s degrees, people with experience living overseas, people who won’t call in every Monday (or Tuesday or Wednesday…) hungover. Creative, ambitious, hard-working, hot people. Who won’t get a call back even for some lousy administrative position with an ad that characterizes the ideal candidate as having experience making copies, running a fax machine, and stapling. Stapling.
Part of the absurdity of this whole process, this pageantry of self-promotion, is the resume. This week I began to wonder: what if the problem isn’t with me, but is with my resume? Do I not describe my skills, education, and employment experience succinctly enough? Should I use a larger font, more modern font, colorful squiggly lines at the top? A template from monster.com, or google documents? Will this, and not my 18+ years of education, land me that coveted position?
And sure, maybe it helps. Maybe a little, to have a streamlined, pleasing document that will catch the eye of those poor schmucks who have to sift through resumes all day. But it still feels like bullshit, a big warm pile of stinking crap, to explain why I think my background would make me a “perfect fit” for some administrative or customer service position at some company that gives rich people financial advice or manufactures foot fungus medication. And so here, here now, the Bad Housekeeper’s Resume, the one we all want to send out, really:
BAD HOUSEKEEPER
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123 Main Street, HoHo, IN 90210 * 1-666-YUR-MAMA * BadHouskeeping.wordpress.com
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OBJECTIVE: To become gainfully employed in a position that will pay enough to keep me from working the street corner, with a little extra for the occasional bottle of liquor that will be necessary to maintain sanity after a long week of working for this shitty-ass company until my first book of poems is published and endorsed by Oprah.
PROFESSIONAL PROFILE:
I can type 80 wpm, have the ability to look interested when listening to boring-as-hell people, and am not above wearing slutty outfits on occasion if that’s what it takes to hoist myself up that corporate ladder. Although not naturally energetic, I will wire myself out on coffee if you provide it for free, and I am a good liar. That whole 80 wpm statement? Poppycock. But convincing, yes? I am a very convincing typist.
EDUCATION:
B.A. in English, Leigh University. Graduated summa cum laude at an institution that assigns grades according to how the spirit moves– the Holy Spirit, of course.
M.F.A. in Creative Writing, Seattle’s Best U. A campus I never actually laid foot on. Ever. And did this degree provide practical skills I can use in this position? Hell no! But I can write a damn solid villanelle, and that’s worth something, right?
WORK HISTORY:
YMCA Customer Service- A record of zero punches to the face of any member, including the one who told me to “suck it up” after another made me cry by cussing at me because the tennis courts smelled like varnish.
YMCA Child Care- Successfully verbally negotiated with a five-year-old who locked herself in a bathroom stall singing “My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps” before taking off all her clothes and running around the bathroom bare-bottomed.
Hand-Me-Downs Consignment Retail- In this managerial role I only once threatened an 80-year-old lady’s life by beheading her with an ax. After the owner told me to tone it down, however, I only made subtle suggestions of violence that an 80-yr-old isn’t really sharp enough to pick up on anyhow.
In Conclusion, thank you for considering me for this position. I think my educational and employment background make me a perfect fit for your team. I would be happy to answer any additional questions you might have concerning my experience, as long as you call after 11 a.m. and not during Project Runway. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
